Reason to Breathe
by ivegotsecrets2
Summary: You are my reason to breathe.
1. Nonexistent

I own absolutely nothing. All credit goes to Rebecca Donovan and Tom Lynch. Enjoy!

* * *

_Breathe! _My eyes swelled as i swallowed against the lump in my throat. Frustrated with my weakness, i swiftly brushed away the tears that had forced their way down my cheeks with the back of my hand. I couldn't think about it anymore - i would explode.

I looked around the room that was mine but had no true connection to me - a hand-me-down desk with a mismatched chair against the wall, and next to it a three tiered bookcase that had seen too many homes in too many years. There were no pictures on the walls. No reminders of who i was before i came here. It was just a space where i could hide - hide from the pain, the glares, and the cutting words.

Why was i here? I knew the answer. It wasn't a choice to be here; it was a necessity. I had nowhere else to go, and they couldn't turn their backs on me. They were the only family i had, and for that i couldn't be grateful.

I lay on my bed, attempting to avert my attention to my homework. I winced as i reached for my trigonometry book. I couldn't believe my shoulder was sore already. Great! I looked like i'd be wearing long sleeves again this week.

The aching pain in my shoulder caused horrific images to flash through my head. I felt the anger rising, making me clench my jaw and grit my teeth. I took a deep breath and allowed a dull wash of nothingness to envelope me. I needed to push it out of my head, so i forced myself to concentrate on my homework.

A soft tap on the door woke me. I propped myself up on my elbows and tried to focus in my dark room. I must have been asleep for about an hour, but i didn't remember dozing off.

"Yeah," i answered, my voice caught in my throat.

"Spence?" the small, cautious voice called out as my door slowly opened.

"You can come in, Jack." I tried to sound welcoming despite my crushed disposition.

His hand gripped the doorknob as his head - not much taller than the knob - peeked in.

Jack's wide brown eyes scanned the room until they connected with mine - i could tell he was very nervous about what he might find - and he smiled at me in relief. He knew way too much for his six years.

"Dinner's ready," he said, looking down. I realized it wasn't the message he wanted to be responsible for giving me.

"I'll be right there." I tried to smile back to assure him it was okay. He walked back to the voices in the other room. The clatter of platters and bowls being set on the table could be heard down the hall, along with Leyla's excited voice. If anyone were to observe this routine, they would think this was the picture-perfect American family sitting down to enjoy dinner together.

The picture changed when i crept out of my room. The air became thick with discord, with the crushing reminder that i existed, a blemish to their portrait. I took another deep breath and tried to convince myself that i could get through this. It was just another night, right? But that was the problem.

I walked slowly down the hall and into the light of the dining room. My stomach turned as i crossed the threshold. I kept my gaze down at my hands which i twisted in anticipation. To my relief, nobody noticed me when i entered.

"Spence!" Leyla exclaimed, running to me. I bent down, allowing her to jump into my arms. She gave me a tight embrace around my neck. I released a breathy grunt when the pain shot up my arm.

"Did you see my picture?" she asked, so proud of her swirls of pink and yellow. I felt the glare on my back, knowing that if it were a knife, i'd be incapacitated instantly.

"Mom, did you see my drawing of Tyrannosaurus Rex?" I heard Jack as, attempting to distract her.

"That's wonderful, honey," she praised, her attention drawn to her son.

"It's beautiful," I said to Leyla, looking into her dancing brown eyes. "Why don't you go ahead and sit for dinner, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed. She had no idea that her affectionate gesture had caused tension at the dinner table. How could she? She was four, and to her i was the older cousin she idolized, while she was my sun in this dark house. I could never blame her for the added grief her fondness for me caused.

The conversation picked up, and thankfully i became invisible once again. After waiting until everyone was served, i helped myself to the chicken, peas, and potatoes. I could sense that my every move was being scrutinized, so i kept my focus on my plate while i ate. What i'd taken wasn't nearly enough to satisfy my hunger, but i didn't dare take more.

I didn't listen to the words coming from_ her _mouth as she went on and on about her trying day at work. Her voiced raked through me, making my stomach turn. George responded with a comforting remark, attempting to reassure her as he always did. The only acknowledgment i i received was when i asked to be excused. George looked across the table with his ambivalent eyes and dryly granted my request.

I gathered my plate along with Jack's and Leyla's since they'd already left to watch TV in the living room. I begin my nightly routine of scraping plates and placing them in the dishwasher, along with scrubbing the pans that George had used to prepare the dinner.

I waited for the voices to move into the living room before i returned to the table to finish clearing. After washing the dishes, taking out the trash and sweeping the floor, i headed back to my room. I passed the living room with the sounds of the TV and the kids' laughter in the background. I slipped by unnoticed, as usual.

I lay on my bed, plugging in the earphones to my iPod, and turned the volume up so my mind was too preoccupied with the music to think. Tomorrow i would have a game after school that would keep me late, missing our wonderful family dinner. I breathed deep and closed my eyes. Tomorrow was another day - one day closer to leaving this all behind.

I rolled on my side, forgetting about my shoulder for a moment, until painfully reminded of what i was leaving behind. I shut off my light and let the music drone me to sleep.

* * *

I grabbed a granola bar on my way through the kitchen with a duffel bag in hand and my backpack slung over my shoulder. Leyla's eyes widened with delight when she saw me. I went over and kissed the top of her head, making a conscious effort to avoid the penetrating glare i was receiving from across the room. Jack was sitting next to Leyla at the island eating cereal - he slipped me a piece of paper without looking up.

"Good Luck!" was written in purple crayon with an adorable attempt at a soccer ball drawn in black. He glanced at me quickly to catch my expression and i flashed a half smile, so she wouldn't pick up on our intersection. "Bye guys," i said, turning toward the door.

Before i could reach it, her cold hand gripped my wrist. "Leave it."

I turned toward her. Her back was shielding the kids from witnessing her venomous glare. "You didn't ask for it on your list. So i didn't buy it for you. Leave it." She held out her hand.

I set the granola bar in her palm and was instantly freed from her crushing grasp. "Sorry," i murmured and rushed out of the house before there was more to be sorry for.

"So...what happened when you got home?" Madison demanded in anticipation.

"Not much really - just the usual yelling," ii replied, downplaying the drama that had awaited me when i got home from practice yesterday. I decided not to divulge more as i casually rubbed my bruised arm. As much as i loved Madison and knew she would do anything for me, there were some things i thought best to save her from.

"So just yelling, huh?" i knew she wasn't completely buying it. I wasn't the best liar but i was convincing enough.

"Yeah," i mumbled, clasping my hands together, still shaking from her touch. I kept my eyes focused out the window, watching the trees fly by, broken up by the oversize homes with their landscape lawns, feeling the crisp late-September air whip against my flushed face.

"Lucky for you, i guess." I could feel her looking at me waiting for me to confess.

Madison turned up the music, recognizing i wasn't going to give her more, and started yelling while thrusting her head to a British punk band.

We pulled into the school parking lot, receiving the usual turning of heads from students and shaking of heads from the faculty. Madison was oblivious, or at least acted like she couldn't care less. I ignored it because i really couldn't care less.

I slung my backpack over my left shoulder and walked across the parking lot with Madison. Her faced beamed with an infectious smile as people waved to her. I was barely noticed, but i wasn't bothered by the lack of recognition. It was easy to be overshadowed by Madison's charismatic presence with her mane of gorgeous fiery hair that flowed in layers to the middle of her back.

Madison was every high-school boy's fantasy, and i'm sure some of the male teachers as well. She was startlingly attractive and had the body of a swimsuit model, filled out in just the right places. But what i loved about Madison was that she was real. She may have been the most desired girl in school but it didn't go to her head.

"Good morning Madison" could be heard from just about everyone we passed as she walked with a bounce of energy through the junior halls. She'd return these welcomes with a smile and a similar greeting.

There was some greetings thrown my way as well, to which i would respond with a quick glance and nod of my head. I knew the only reason they even acknowledged me was because of Madison. I actually wished i wasn't noticed at all as slunk through the walls in her shadow.

"I think Jason's finally coming around to realizing i exist," Madison declared as we needed for our first classes from our adjacent lockers. By some miracle, we were in the same homeroom together, making us practically inseparable. Well that was until our first class when i headed to Advanced Placement English and she went off to Algebra II.

"Everyone knows _you_ exist Madison" i responded with a wry smile. Some too well, i thought, holding my smile.

"Well it's different with him. He barely looks at me, even when i sit right next to him. It's so frustrating." She collapsed back against her locker. "You realize guys notice you too," she added, picking up on my emphasis, "but you can't look up from your books long enough to notice them."

My face turned red and i looked at her with a questioning scowl. "What are they talking about? They only notice me because i'm with you."

Madison laughed, her perfect white teeth gleaming. "You have no idea" she scoffed, still smiling in amusement.

"Enough. It doesn't matter anyway," i replied dismissively, my face still hot. "What are you going to do about Jason?"

Madison sighed, holding her books to her chest while running her blue eyes along the ceiling lost in thought.

"I'm not sure yet," she said from that far-off place that kept the corners of her mouth curled up. It was evident she was picturing him and his swept-back blond hair, intense blue eyes, and drop-dead smile. Jason was the captain and quarterback of the football team. Could it get any more cliche'?

"What do you mean? You always have a plan."

"This one's different. He doesn't even look at me. I have to be more careful."

"I thought you said he finally noticed you?" I asked, confused.

Madison turned her head to look at me, her eyes still sparkling from the place she was slowly returning from, but the smile was not lost.

"I don't get it really. I made sure to sit next to him in business class yesterday, and he said hi, but that was it. So he knows i exist. Period." I could hear the exasperation in her voice.

"I'm sure you'll think of something. Or maybe he's gay." I smirked.

"Spence!" Madison exclaimed with wide eyes, punching my right arm. I forced a smile while gritting my teeth, hoping she hadn't noticed my shoulders tense with the impact of her harmless blow. "Don't say that. That would be devastating - for me at least."

"Not for Kevin Bartlett." I laughed, causing her to scowl.

To see Madison so distracted by this guy was amusing and disarming at the same time. She had a way with people - the results almost always ended in her favor, especially with guys. It didn't matter who she was trying to persuade, she would put an endearing spin on what she wanted so that the person was actually eager to accommodate her.

Madison was obviously flustered by Jason Stark. It was a side of her i almost never saw. I knew this was new territory for her, and i was interested to see what she was going to do next.

The only people who have given her a greater challenge were my aunt and uncle. I kept assuring her that it had nothing to do with her, but it only made her more determined to win them over. In doing so, she hoped to make my personal hell a little more livable. So who was i to stand in her way? Even though i knew it was a lost cause.

* * *

We parted after homeroom. I entered AP English and sat in the back of the room as usual. Ms. Abbott greeted us and began the class by handing back our most recent papers.

She approached my desk and looked down at me with a warm smile. "Very insightful, Spence," she praised and handed me my paper.

My eyes met her with a quick, yet awkward smile. "Thank you."

The paper was marked in red pen with an "A" at the top, and positive comments were written in the margins throughout the paper. It was what i anticipated and what my peers expected of me. Most of the other students were leaning over to see what the person sitting next to them had received. No one had looked at my paper. I tucked it into the back of my binder.

I wasn't embarrassed by my grades; i didn't care what other students thought of my high marks. I knew i had earned them. And i also knew that they were going to save me someday. What no one understood, besides Madison, was that all i really cared about were the days i counted down until i could move out of my aunt and uncle's house and go to college. If i had to put up with the whispers behind my back as i received the highest marks in the class, then so be it. They weren't going to be there to save me if i did anything but succeed, so i didn't need to get involved in the gossip and typical teenage tripe.

Madison was the closest i was going to get to any semblance of the high-school experience, and she definitely kept it entertaining. She was admired by most, envied by many, and could discreetly seduce a guy with a grin. What mattered most to me was that i trusted her with my life - which was saying a lot, considering the unpredictability that awaited me at home each night.

"How's it going?" Madison asked when we met at our lockers before lunch.

"Nothing new and exciting here. Any progress in business class with Jason?" This was Madison's class right before lunch, so it usually gave her enough to talk about until we reached journalism after.

"I wish!" she exclaimed. "Nothing - it's so frustrating! I'm not being overly aggressive, but i am definitely putting the obvious signals out there that i'm interested."

"You don't have what it takes to make him interested," i teased with a grin.

"Shut up Spence!" Madison looked at me with stern eyes. "I think i'm going to have to be more direct. The worst he can say -"

"I'm gay," i interrupted and laughed.

"Laugh all you want, but i am going to get Jason Stark to go out with me."

"I know you will," i assured her, still smiling.

I purchased my lunch with my weekly stipend from the money i'd earned during the summer - money that was strictly regulated without allowing me direct access. Just another irrational rule i had to live with for the next six hundred and seventy-three days.

We decided to have lunch outside at the picnic tables to take advantage of the Indian summer day. Fall in New England is very unpredictable. It can be frosty and cold one day, and warm enough to pull out the tank tops the next. But once winter hits, it sticks around for longer than it is welcome.

As most of the other student were shedding clothes to take advantage of the warmth, i could only push up the sleeves of my shirt. My wardrobe revolved around the colors of the healing bruises on my arms, and had nothing to do with the temperature.

"What did you do to your hair today? It looks good. It looks straighter. Very chic."

I looked at Madison sideways as we headed outside, knowing the only reason my hair was in the ponytail was because i'd run out of my allowed five minutes in the shower this morning, and couldn't rinse the conditioner out of my hair before the water was turned off. "What are you talking about?" i asked incredulously.

"Forget it. You can never take a compliment." Changing the subject, she asked, "So will you be able to go to the football game tomorrow night?"

I just looked over at her with my eyebrows raised, taking a bite out of an apple. Realizing i wasn't going to answer the obvious, Madison picked up her soda, stopping with the can raised to her lips.

"Why is he torturing me?" Madison whispered, slowly lowering the can with her eyes fixated on something behind me.

I turned to see what had captured her attention. Jason Stark and another well-built senior had their shirts off and tucked into the backs of their jeans as they threw a football back and forth. The attention he captured was painstakingly obvious. I watched him for a minute as Madison moaned behind me. Oddly, he seemed oblivious to all of the girls drooling over him - interesting.

"Madison, maybe he doesn't realize he's as wanted as he is," i observed objectively. "Have you ever thought of that?"

"How could he not know?" she questioned in disbelief.

"He's a guy," i said with a resigned sigh. "Have you ever seen him out with anyone other than the two years he was dating Holly Martin? Just because we think he's a god, it doesn't mean he puts himself on the same pedestal."

We looked over at the tall figure with the defined muscles and playful smile. Even i couldn't help but get lost in the details of his tanned body. Just because i was focused on school, it doesn't mean i was dead. I still noticed - well, sometimes.

"Maybe," she considered with a devious smirk.

"You guys would make an amazingly beautiful couple," i said with a sigh.

"Spence, you have to go to the game with me tomorrow!" she pleaded with an edge of desperation.

I shrugged. It wasn't like it was my choice. I had no control over my social life; hence, i had no social life. I was holding out for college. It's not like i wasn't participating in the high-school experience. I just had my own version - three varsity sports, editor of the school paper, along with participating in the yearbook, art, and French clubs. It was enough to keep me after school every day, and sometimes in the evenings when i had games or deadlines with the paper. I needed to create the ideal transcript for a scholarship admission. It was the only thing i felt like i had control over, and it was honestly more of a survival plan than an escape plan.


	2. First Impression

I own absolutely nothing. All credit goes to Rebecca Donovan and Tom Lynch. Enjoy!

* * *

While Madison and i walked to journalism, i could tell the lunch performance was still lingering in her head. She looked enchanted, and it was a little eerie. I paced alongside her in silence, hoping she'd snap out of it.

Upon entering class, i went straight to the computer with the oversize monitor and pulled up the latest draft of this weeks Weslyn High Times. Focused on the screen, i zoned out the scraping of chairs and murmuring voices as everyone found their seats. I had to get this addition to the printer before the end of class so it could be distributed in the morning.

Faintly, i heard Ms. Holt gather everyone's attention to review the progress of the assignments for next week's paper. I blocked out the conversations. I continued scrutinizing the formatting, moving ads to accommodate article space, and inserting photographs to complement the featured articles.

"Is it too late to consider another article for next week's paper?"

The voice distracted me. I didn't know this voice. The girl spoke without hesitation, with a sense of purpose and confidence. I stared at the computer screen without seeing what was in front of me, waiting. The room was silent with anticipation. Ms. Holt encouraged her to continue.

"I wanted to write an article about teenagers' self-image and whether they're able to accept their flaws. I'd like to interview students and hand out surveys to find what part of the body they're most self conscious about." I turned my chair around, interested in who would think of such a controversial topic. "The article could reveal that despite a perceived social status, everyone's insecure about something." She glanced over at me during her explanation, realizing i was paying attention. Some of the other students also noticed i was no longer working on the computer and were watching me, trying to decipher my pensive expression.

The voice belonged to a girl i'd never seen before. As i listened to her finish, i was irked by her request. How could someone obviously without flaws think it would be okay to interview emotionally vulnerable students to reveal something they didn't like about themselves, probably confiding an insecurity they had a hard time admitting to themselves? Who'd want to openly discuss their embarrassing whiteheads, or admit they wore an A cup, or had the muscle structure of a ten-year-old? It sounded cruel. The more i thought about it, the more irritated i became. Honestly, who was this girl?

She sat in the back of the class wearing an un-tucked sky-blue collared shirt and a pair of perfectly fitted jeans. Her sleeves were rolled up and the buttons undone enough to reveal her smooth skin and just the right amount of cleavage. The shirt complemented her sparkling brown eyes, which moved across the room, connecting with her audience. She appeared relaxed, even though everyone in the class was staring at her. She probably expected most people to take notice of her.

There was something else about her that i couldn't quite put my finger on - she seemed older. She definitely looked like she was either a junior or a senior. She had a youthful face with a soft jaw, complementing her brow line and the straight nose that pointed to her perfectly defined lips. An artist couldn't have chiseled a better bone structure.

When she spoke, she easily captured everyone's attention. She obviously got me to stop and take notice. The projection in her voice made me think that she was used to talking to a more mature audience. I couldn't decide if she seemed distinguished or just arrogant - she was so confident. I leaned toward arrogance.

"Interesting idea -" Ms. Holt began.

"Seriously?" I interjected before i could stop myself. I could feel fourteen pairs of eyes shifting toward me. I even caught a couple mouths dropping out of the corner of my eye. My gaze remained focused on the source of the voice. I found perplexed smoky eyes looking back at me.

"Let me get this straight - you want to exploit the insecurities of a bunch of teenagers so that you can write an article exposing their flaws? Don't you think that's a little destructive? Besides, we like to write news in our paper. It can be entertaining and witty - but it should always be news, not gossip." She raised her eyebrows in what appeared to be shock.

"That's not exactly -" she began.

"Or are you planning to write an expose on how many girls want bigger breasts and the number of guys who want bigger -" i paused and heard a few shocked inhales- "um, muscles? Superficial and sleazy may work for tabloids, or maybe that's what you're used to where you come from. But i give our readers the benefit of assuming they have brains." There were a few muffled laughs. I didn't flinch - i stared intently into the unwavering brown eyes. There was a slight smirk on her face. Was she amused by my verbal assault? I set my jaw against her attack.

"I take my assignments seriously. I'm hoping my research will uncover how much we all have in common, regardless of our popularity of perceived attractiveness. I don't think the article will exploit anyone, but assure us that everyone has insecurities about their appearances, even those who may be considered perfect. I respect the confidentiality of my sources, and i understand the difference between a puff piece and actual news." Her voice was calm and patient, yet i thought it was patronizing. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

"And you think you will get honest answers out of people? They will really talk to _you_?" There was a bite in my tone that i was not used to hearing, and judging by the silence in the room, it was a surprise to everyone else as well.

"I have a way of getting people to open up and trust me," she said with a smile full of conceit and narcissism.

Before i could rebut, Ms. Holt interrupted, "Thank you, Ashley." She looked at me cautiously. "Spence, since you seem to have reservations about this article, as the editor of the paper, would you be willing to permit Miss Davies to write the article, and then you can have the final say as to whether it makes the cut?"

"I can agree to that," i stated methodically.

"Miss Davies, is that acceptable to you?"

"I'm comfortable with that. She is the _editor_."

Oh, she was pompous, wasn't she?! I couldn't stand to look at her any longer. I turned back to the computer.

"Great," Ms. Holt replied with relief. Then she directed her attention back to me. "Spence, are you just about done with the computer? I'd like to begin today's discussion."

"I'm sending it to the printers now," i confirmed without looking back.

"Wonderful. Would everyone please open your textbooks to page ninety-three, with the heading 'Journalism Ethics'?" Ms. Holt attempted to redirect the attention to the front of the class.

I took my seat next to Madison, feeling the shocked stares linger upon me. I kept my eyes glued to the book, unable to concentrate.

"What was that about?" Madison whispered, just as surprised. I shrugged, not looking over at her.

After what felt like the longest fifty minutes, the class was finally over. When we were released into the hall, i couldn't hold back any longer. "Who does she think she is? How completely arrogant can a person be?!"

Madison stopped when we rounded the corner, heading to our lockers. She gawked at me as if she didn't recognize me. Not acknowledging her confounded stare, i went on. "Who is she anyway?"

"Ashley Davies." her voice said from behind me.

My back tensed, and i stared at Madison, mortified. I slowly turned toward the voice with a reddened face. I couldn't say anything. How much had she heard?

"I hope i didn't upset you too much by suggesting the article. I wasn't trying to offend you."

It took me a moment to compose myself. Madison stood beside me, unwilling to miss out on a front-row seat for this confrontation.

"I wasn't offended. I'm just looking out for the integrity of the paper." I tried to sound aloof, as if the interaction in the class hadn't bothered me.

"I understand. That's your job." She actually sounded sincere, or was she patronizing me again?

I changed the subject. "Today your first day?"

"No," she said slowly, appearing baffled. I've been in class all week. Actually, i'm in a few of your other classes too."

I looked to the floor and quietly said, "Oh."

"I'm not surprised you didn't notice. You seem pretty intense in class. It's obvious school's important to you. You don't seem to pay attention to anything else."

"Are you accusing me of being self-absorbed?" I shot my eyes back up at her, feeling my entire face flame up.

"What? No." She smiled in amusement at my reaction. I stared at her in offence. She held my glare, her cold brown eyes unblinking. She was full of herself and it repulsed me. I shook my head slightly in disgust and walked away. Madison could only stare with her mouth ajar, as if she'd witnessed a horrific car wreck.

"Where the hell did that come from?" she demanded, her wide eyes glued to me as she strode alongside me. "I've never seen you act like that before." I couldn't get over her admonishment. She almost sounded disappointed.

"Excuse me?!" i shot back defensively, unable to look at her for more than a second. "She's a conceited jerk. I don't care what she thinks of me."

"I thought she was just concerned that she'd offended you in class. I think she might even be interested in you."

"Yeah, right."

"Seriously, i know you're extremely focused, but how did you not notice her before today?"

"What, do _you_ think i'm self-absorbed too?" i snapped, regretting it as soon as i said it.

Madison rolled her eyes. "You know i don't, so stop being stupid. I get why you shut everyone out. I know how much you need to get through high school, like every breath depends on it. But i also get how it looks to everyone else. It's just accepted that this is who you are, so no one really pays attention anymore. Your lack of"- she hesitated, looking for the right word -"_interest_ is expected. I think it's amazing that a guy who's only been here a week has picked up on your intensity. He's obviously noticed _you._"

"Madison, she's not that perceptive," i accused. "She was just trying to recover from the blow she took to her ego in class."

She let out a laugh with a shake of her head. "You're impossible."

I opened my locker, then looked over at Madison before putting my books away. "She's really been here all week?"

"Don't you remember when i mentioned the hot new girl during lunch on Monday?"

"That was _her_?" I scoffed, shoving my books in my locker and flinging the door shut. "You think she's good-looking?" I laughed like the thought that she could be attractive was insane.

"Yeah," she responded emphatically, like i was the one who was insane, "along with, like, every other girl and guy in school. Even the seniors are checking her out. And if you try to convince me that she's not gorgeous, i'm going to slap you."

This time i rolled my eyes. "You know what - i really don't want to talk about her anymore." I was oddly exhausted by my outburst. I was never out of control, especially in school - with witnesses.

"You know everyone in school will be talking about it. 'Did you hear Spence Carlin finally snapped?" Madison teased.

"Nice. I'm glad you're finding this funny," i shot back before walking past her down the hall. Madison jogged to catch up, still smiling.

As much as i wanted to forget it, i couldn't help but replay the entire scene in my head while we walked to study period in the cafeteria. We continued through the caf, where i could already hear the whispers, and out the back doors that led to the picnic tables.

Seriously, what happened? Why did this girl bother me so much? I shouldn't care enough to be this upset. Honestly, i didn't even know her. Then my overreaction sank in.

"Madison, i'm an idiot," i confessed, feeling truly miserable. She was laying down on the bench, absorbing the warm rays, peeling back the straps of her tank top to avoid tan lines - messing with every guy within eyes shot. She sat up curiously and took in my agonized expression.

"What are you talking about?"

"I have no idea what happened to me in there. Really, why should i care if this girl writes an article about the imperfections of being a teenager? I cannot believe i acted like that and then made a scene in the hall. I'm completely humiliated." I groaned and put my face down on my folded arms.

Madison didn't say anything. After a moment, looked up at her, questioning. "What? You're not even going to _try_ to make me feel better?"

"Sorry, i've got nothing. Spen, you were pretty crazy in there," she remarked with a smirk.

"Thanks Madison!" i connected with her smiling eyes and couldn't hold back. We simultaneously burst out laughing. It came out so loud that the table next to us stopped mid-conversation to stare. I definitely looked like i'd lost my mind now.

It took a full minute for me to break through the hysterics. Madison tried to stop, but small bouts of laughter would escape whenever she looked at me.

She leaned toward me and lowered her giggling voice. "Well, maybe you can redeem yourself. She's on her way over here."

"No way!" My eyes widened in panic.

"I hope the laughing wasn't about me." It was that same confident, charming voice. I closed my eyes, afraid to face her.

I took a calming breath and turned to look up at her. "No, Madison said something funny." I hesitated before i added, "I shouldn't have gone off on you. I'm not usually like that."

Madison started laughing again, probably replaying my mortifying moment in her head. "Sorry, i can't help it," she said, her eyes watering from trying to hold it in. "I need to get some water."

She left us alone. Oh no - she left us alone!

She responded to my indirect apology. "I know." Her perfect lips curled up into a soft smile. I was surprised by the casualness of her response. "Good luck in your game today. I heard you're pretty good." Without allowing me to respond, she walked away.

What just happened? What did she mean, _she knows_ i'm not usually like that? I stared at the spot where she stood for half a minute, trying to comprehend what just played out. What wasn't she upset with me? I couldn't believe i was so worked up, especially over a girl. I needed to shake it off and be over it - stay focused.

"She's gone? Please don't tell me you insulted her again!" Madison's voice startled me. I hadn't even noticed her return.

"No, i swear. She wished me luck in the game today and walked away. It was...strange." Madison raised her eyebrows, grinning.

"Oh, and i guess you could say she's decent looking," i mumbled. Madison's face lit up with a huge smile.

"She's so mysterious and i think she likes you." she taunted.

"Come on, Madison. Now you're being stupid."

Somehow i completed the homework due the next day, despite glancing around and searching for Ashley every other minute. I couldn't get to the longer-term assignments. I saved them for the weekend. It's not like i had anything else to do.

"I'm going to the locker room to get ready for the game."

"I'll be down in a minute," Madison replied from her meditative spot on the bench.

I gathered my books and walked through the cafeteria.

I did everything i could to stare straight ahead so i wouldn't look for Ashley - unsuccessfully.

* * *

Hey guys!

Hope you enjoy. Let me know if there are too many mistakes for you to enjoy the story. I will try my hardest not to have many.

~Court


	3. Distraction

I own absolutely nothing. All credit goes to Rebecca Donovan and Tom Lynch. Enjoy!

* * *

"You will never believe who just asked me -"

I wasn't able to throw my varsity jersey over my head in time. I closed my eyes and took a breath in preparation for her reaction.

"Shit," Madison whispered, still frozen at the door of the locker room.

I didn't turn around. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I knew the large circular bruises that covered my right shoulder and continued to the middle of my back said more than enough.

"It's not as bad as it looks." I mumbled, still not having the heart to face her.

"Looks pretty bad to me," she murmured. "I can't believe _that _was for forgetting to take out the trash." We were interrupted by voices and laughter as a few girls entered the locker room. The girls brushed past Madison, who remained unmoving in the doorway.

"Hey, Spence. We just heard about you telling off the hot new girl," one of the girls exclaimed when she noticed me.

"She must have totally pissed you off," added another as they began to change.

"I don't know. I guess she caught me on a bad day," i mumbled, my face changing color. I picked up my shoes, socks and shin guards and left the room before anyone could say anything else, especially Madison.

I sat at the top of the steps leading to the fields behind the school and proceeded to put on my shin guards and shoes. I needed to gather myself after everything that had happened in under two hours. This was not how my days were supposed to go. This was the place where everything was supposed to be safe and easy. No one tried to get involved with me, and i kept to myself. How could Ashley Davies unravel my constant universe in just one day?

That's when i heard her voice again. What was with this girl? First i didn't notice her for over a week and now i couldn't avoid her. She walked around the locker rooms, talking to a guy i didn't know about giving him a ride to the football game the next night. I caught her eye and she nodded in recognition. Why wasn't i invisible to her like i was to everyone else? To my relief, she continued to jog toward the practice fields, a small black bag in her hand. From her attire, I realized she was heading to the guys' soccer field. I recall Madison telling me that she played on all guys teams before she moved so they let her continue to do so here. While i thought it was weird, i was thankful she wasn't on the girls team - i didn't need the distraction.

The sun danced off the glints of gold in her tousled light brown hair and she jogged farther away. The lean muscles along her back brushed against her over-worn T-shirt. Why did she have to look like she just stepped off the Victoria's Secret runway?

Madison exhaled looking after the same image. "Nice." I turned with a start, not realizing she was next to me. Heat spread across my cheeks, fearing she could read my thoughts. "Stop it - she's hot. It's just taken you way too long to notice."

Before i could defend myself, a bus pulled along the dirt road that circled the school, separating the fields from the building. The open windows carried the synchronized chanting and hollering that were indicative of a high-school sports team.

"Who are we going to beat?" several boisterous voices screamed.

"Weslyn High!" the bus rumbled in response.

"Don't think so," Madison stated. I smirked and jogged with her to the field.

* * *

"Ohmigod!" Madison screamed as we drove home. "Stanford! Spence, this is so amazing!"

I couldn't find the words to say anything. The stunned smile on my face said it all. I was soaring from our win, then taken to a different level when i discovered that four colleges had been scouting the game in which i happened to score three out of the four goals.

"I can't believe they're going to fly you out there this spring," she continued in a rush. "You have to take me with you! California! Can you imagine?"

"Madison, he said they'd be _interested _in setting up a visit, depending on next quarters transcript."

"Come on, Spence. That's not going to change. I don't think you've received less than an A your entire life."

I wanted to be as confident, but then we pulled into my driveway. I was immediately grounded - the win and the scouts dispersing as if i'd woken from a dream into a nightmare.

Carol was strolling up the driveway from the mailbox, pretending to get the mail. She was up to something, and my heart sank into my stomach. Madison glanced over at me, just as concerned.

"Hi Madison," she said, completely ignoring me as i got out of the car. "How are your parents?"

Madison smiled her dazzling smile and replied, "They're wonderful, Mrs. Carlin. How have you been?"

Carol sighed her exasperated, pathetic sigh. "I'm surviving."

"That's good to hear," Madison returned politely, not falling for the woe-is-me bullshit.

"Madison, i feel terribly uncomfortable asking you without speaking to your parents directly." I froze in anticipation. "But i was wondering if it would be a bother to allow Spencer to stay the night tomorrow night. George and i are going out of town, and it would be easier if she were with someone who was responsible. But i don't want her interrupting your plans." She spoke of me as if i weren't standing next to your car, listening.

"I don't think that'll be a problem. I was planning to go to the library to work on a paper. I'll check with my parents when i get home." Madison smiled, playing along.

"Thank you. We would be so appreciative."

"Good night, Mrs. Collins."

Carol waved back as Madison drove away. She turned her attention to me in disgust.

"You have no idea how humiliating it is to have to beg people to take you just so that your uncle and i can spend some time together. It's a good thing Madison pities how pathetic you are. I have no idea how she can stand to be around you."

She turned and walked back to the house, leaving me standing in the driveway. The words slipped from her tongue with ease, slicing barbs leaving a vicious sting.

There was a time when i'd thought she was right. That Madison was only my friend because she felt bad for me. Honestly, all you had to do was look at us standing next to each other to easily conclude the same thing: Madison in all her gorgeous brilliance, compared to me in my ordinary plainness. But i learned that my friendship with Madison was probably the only thing i could really trust.

I entered the house to find life waiting for me, the sink full of dishes and pans from dinner. I set my bags in my room and returned to clean up. I didn't mind the monotony of washing the dishes, especially tonight, as i engrossed myself in scrubbing to keep from smiling.

* * *

When i woke the next morning, i felt more optimistic than i had in a long time. I had my backpack over one shoulder and a tote bag full of clothes in my hand.

Then reality came crashing down with a jolting tug of my hair. "Don't embarrass me," seethed into my ear. I nodded, my neck tense, resisting getting any closer to her as she tightened her hold on my hair, her hot breath scorching my skin. And just as quickly as it happened, she was gone - calling sweetly to the kids to come down for breakfast.

Madison was giddy when i entered the car. She gave me a hug and exclaimed, "I can't believe you're going to the game tonight!"

I pulled back, still shaken by the threat. "Madison, she's probably still watching. We'd better get going before she changes her mind and locks me in the basement for the night."

"Would she do that?" Madison asked, concerned.

"Just drive." _Yes, she would, _was the answer i couldn't say out loud.

Madison drove off. The top was up; the brisk fall air was finally catching up with us as we headed into October. The leaves on the trees were beginning their yearly change to the vibrant hues of red, orange, gold, and yellow. The colors looked brighter to me today, maybe because i was actually paying attention. Despite Carol's threat, i was still floating from our teams win along with the positive comments from the Stanford scout. And knowing i was going to the game with Madison tonight eased a smile onto my face that actually felt comfortable. This would be my very first football game - it had only taken me three years.

"I've decided that before we go tonight, i'm going to pamper you a little."

I looked at her cautiously. "What are you planning?"

"Trust me, you'll love it!" Madison beamed.

"Okay," i gave in. I feared my idea of being pampered was going to be completely different than what Madison had in mind. I preferred to hang out, watch movies and eat junk. While that might seem very predictable and boring to most teenagers, it was a true luxury to me. I decided not to worry about it. She knew me, so i trusted her.

"I'm going to ask him out tonight after the game," Madison declared while we walked to the school from the parking lot.

"How are you going to do it?" I was finally able to ask after tunneling through Madison's entourage and their gleeful morning acknowledgments. I couldn't believe about how matter-of-fact she was about putting herself out there. But then again, who would say no to her? No didn't seem to be in Madison's vocabulary, whether it was receiving it or saying it.

"I was thinking...but only if it's okay with you" -she gave me an apprehensive glance- "after the game we'd go to Scott Kirkland's party, and i'll ask Jason to meet me there."

A party?! I'd never been to an actual _party_ before. I overheard the gossip about them in the halls and locker room, and even saw photographed moments displayed in lockers throughout the junior and senior halls. It was a rite of practice i hadn't been privy to, and wasn't sure i was ready for. A wave of panic surged through me just thinking about walking through the doors and having everyone stare at me.

Then i looked into Madison's anxious eyes and i knew this was important to her. I could make meaningless small talk with people i'd been in school with for the past four years, yet knew nothing about. This would definitely be interesting.

"That sounds great" i said, forcing a smile, falling in line with all the others unable to disappoint Madison.

"Really? We don't have to go to the party. I could figure something else out. You looked pale when i mentioned it."

"No, i want to go." i lied.

"Perfect!" Madison exclaimed, hugging me again. She was very affectionate today; it was throwing me off. I think she realized it too because she pulled back. "Sorry, i'm just so excited that you're going with me. I don't think i could go through with it if you weren't there. Besides, we hardly get out of school time together, so this is going to be the best."

I smiled awkwardly, my stomach still twisting with thoughts of the party. It was for Madison. I could get through it. What was the worst that could happen? Well...people might actually try to talk to me. My stomach turned again just thinking about it. This was going to be terrible. I swallowed hard.

More than ever, i needed to retreat to art class to recover from these panicked thoughts. Art was the rotating class that moved through my schedule. Today it took the place of English, my first class - thankfully. I was desperate to escape in my work.

I walked into the open space of the art room, inhaling the calming sense of paints, glue, and cleaning chemicals with a gentle smile. The room was inviting and warm, with all its yellow walls covered with art projects and its oversize windows that glowed with natural light. I breathed easier in this room. No matter how my day was going or what i'd left behind at home, i gained control over it in here.

Ms. Meir greeted us as we sat at our stools at the tall black worktables. Ms. Meir was the sweetest, kindest person i'd ever met. Compassion exuded from her, which made her an amazing artist and an inspirational teacher.

She invited us to continue working on our assignments, replicating a picture we'd torn from a magazine that portrayed movement. There was some murmuring, but it was fairly quiet, as our attention was primarily focused on the art. The quiet was another reason i loved this class so much.

My heart skipped a beat - among the murmurs, one stood out. I didn't want to look but was drawn to the smooth voice. There she was, standing at the front of the class, talking to Ms. Meir while holding a camera. She flipped through a book of what appeared to be photographs, making comments. She glanced up and grinned when she saw me. I shot my eyes back to my canvas. I wished i really were invisible.

"So i guess you _are _pretty good," Ashley said from beside me. I looked up from my canvas. My heart was behaving insanely, beating at a pace that didn't coincide with sitting still. _Calm down _- what was wrong with me? She continued, since i could only stare up at her blankly. "Soccer. That was quite the game yesterday."

"Oh, thanks. Are you in this class too?" I felt the heat rise in my cheeks.

"Sort of," she responded. "I asked if i could switch to this class if i could work on photography instead. Ms. Meir agreed so here i am."

"Oh," was all i could mutter. She grinned, which sent more color to my face. My body was betraying me - between my hyperactive heart and fiery face, i had no control. It was not like me, and it was driving me crazy.

To my relief, Ms. Meir interrupted us before the possession could completely humiliate me. "So you know Spence Carlin? That's wonderful."

"We met yesterday," Ashley replied, glancing at me with a smile.

"I'm happy to see that you've made some connections. Spence, would you mind showing Ashley the photo-lab supplies and the darkroom?" My heart went from being on speed, to a dead stop, but my face kept beaming red. It must have been radiating heat by now.

"Sure" I said quickly.

"Thank you." Ms. Meir smiled in appreciation. Why was she, of all people, torturing me?

Without looking at Ashley, i stood and walked to the back corner of the room. I slid open one of the cabinets that hung above the counter.

"This is the cabinet with all of the photo supplies. There's paper, developer, whatever you need." I slid the door shut with my back to her.

On the counter below i pointed to the paper cutter and sizing equipment. We crossed the room to the darkroom, where i explained the developing light and the switch on the inside wall to turn it on.

"Do you mind if we look inside?" she asked.

I stopped breathing for a few seconds. "Sure," i replied, glancing at her for the first time.

We walked into the small rectangular room. In the center was a long metal table lined with trays for developing pictures. There was a sink in the back right corner. Cabinets lined the long wall on the right, and to the right there were two rows of wires with black clips for drying the developed pictures. Even though the developing light wasn't on, the space seemed unnaturally dark - not a place i wanted to be alone with Ashley Davies.

"Here it is," i declared, holding my palms up to present the room.

Ashley walked past me toward the cabinets and started opening them, examining their contents. "Why don't you talk to anyone besides Madison?" i heard her ask from behind the cabinet door. She closed it, anticipating my answer.

I remained frozen. "What do you mean?" i shot back, sounding defensive again.

"You don't talk to anyone" she stated. "Why not?"

I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer.

She recognized my stalling. "Okay," she said. "Why don't you talk to me?"

"That was direct," i accused.

She smiled, causing my heart to attempt another escape from my chest. "Well..." she pushed.

"Because i'm not sure i like you." i blurted without thought. She looked at me with that devious, amused grin. What kind of reaction was that?! I couldn't stay in the confined space with her any longer. I turned abruptly and walked out of the room.

Concentration evaded me for the remainder of the class, so my art piece remained unfinished. Ashley left to take pictures of whatever she took pictures of, but her presence lingered. This class was supposed to be my sanctuary, and leave it to Ashley to turn it upside down.

Madison noticed my agitation when we were switching books at our lockers.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Ashley Davies in my art class." i fumed.

"And..." Madison looked confused, waiting for me to continue.

I shook my head, unable to find the words to explain how disruptive she was to my predictable day. As much as Madison understood me, i wasn't ready to talk about it. My blood was still surging; i was having difficulty collecting my thoughts.

"I'll talk to you later." i said in a rush and walked away. I couldn't make sense of what was happening to me. I survived by keeping my emotions in check - by maintaining my composure and tucking it all away. I managed to stay under the radar, skating through school without anyone truly remembering i was here. My teachers acknowledged my academic successes, and my coaches depended upon my athletic abilities, but i wasn't important enough to make a recognizable social contribution. I was easily forgettable. That's what i counted on.

There were times when people tried to befriend me by talking to me or inviting me to a party, but that didn't last long. Once it was obvious i wouldn't accept the invitations, or provide more than one- or two-word answers, i wasn't interesting enough to acknowledge any longer - making my life easier.

Madison was the only one who'd stuck by me when i first moved here four years ago. After six months of Madison persistently inviting me over, Carol finally said yes. She wanted to go shopping with a friend and didn't want to take me along, so the invitation was convenient for her. That serendipitous moment sealed our friendship. I was permitted to go to Madison's every once in a while, and i got to sleep over on rare occasions when it suited Carol's social schedule. It helped that Madison's father was a local judge, so Carol relished the prestige through affiliation.

Last summer i was even allowed to go to Maine with Madison and her family for a week. It coincided with a camping trip George and Carol had planned with the kids. When Madison's parents invited me, they made it sound like they were inviting the entire soccer team and were obligated to include me, which made it easier for Carol to agree. I ended up paying for it when i returned home - i guess i wasn't grateful enough.

But the bruises couldn't take away the best week of my life. It was during that week that i met Nicole Mercer. Nicole was a lifeguard at the beach that was walking distance from the lodge. Her family owned a summerhouse on the lake, so she stayed for the season.

For two days, we went to the beach and drooled over her. After her shift on the second day, she invited me and Madison to a bonfire at a private beach.

When Nicole introduced us to her friends, i lied and said i was Madison's cousin from Minnesota. That lie developed into a more elaborate story that Madison and i prefabricated before the party. My false life revealed itself comfortably, allowing me to be anyone i wanted, and no one knew the difference. I didn't have to be invisible, because i really didn't exist.

Swept up in my story, i allowed Nicole to get close to me. I was able to talk and laugh with ease. Nicole and i ended up having a lot in common - she played soccer and we listened to a lot of the same music. She was an easy person to like.

At the end of the night, while everyone was sitting around the fire either coupled off or involved in conversations, Nicole sat next to me on the sand, leaning against a large log intended to be a bench. In the midst of the calming mood, with the sound of a few guys playing guitar in the background, she put her arm around me and i leaned against her. It was oddly comfortable being with her, considering this was the closest i'd ever been to a girl, other than Madison.

We talked and listened to the music. She shifted her body to face me and casually leaned down to kiss me. I remembered not breathing for a minute, paralyzed with fear that it was obvious i hadn't kissed anyone before. She was gentle as her soft lips touched mine.

It wasn't easy saying goodbye, with false promises of e-mailing; but it wasn't hard either. Not for Spence Carlin from Weslyn, Conneticut - the overachieving. self-contained shadow who roamed the halls of Weslyn High. It wasn't hard because that girl truly didn't exist to Nicole.

That's what was bothering me so much about Ashley Davies. She knew i existed. She was determined to pull me out from the shadows, and i couldn't get away from her. She wasn't deterred by my one-word answers or abrupt responses. She wasn't supposed to be paying attention to me, and i was trying, without success, to ignore her. But she was getting to me, and i think she knew it - and it seemed to amuse her.

I took a deep breath before entering AP European History, prepared to see her as i walked into the room. She wasn't there. I looked around in surprise and felt my heart sink. That was another problem. My heart was beating, stopping, and sinking like it had a mind of its own, not to mention the absurd flushing that was overtaking my face. I was beyond annoyed!

Ashley wasn't in my chemistry class either. Maybe she wouldn't be everywhere, as i feared. Distracted while retrieving my homework assignment during trig, i tensed at the sound of her voice, which incited rapid beating in my chest.

"Hi."

I continued opening my notebook for today's lesson, refusing to look at her.

"Not talking to me at all now, huh?"

Angered by her antagonism, i couldn't contain myself any longer. I turned to face her.

"Why do you want to talk to me? _What _could you possibly want to talk to me about?" i snapped.

She raised her eyebrows in surprise but quickly replaced the look with her taunting, amused grin.

"And why do you keep looking at me like that?!" My face flushed as i tightened my jaw.

Before Ashley could answer, Mr. Kessler walked in to begin class. I stared at my book and the front of the classroom throughout the period. I could feel Ashley looking over at me every so often - it kept me on edge the entire class.

As i was gathering my books to head to anatomy, i heard her say behind me, "Because i think you're interesting."

I slowly turned around, my books clutched firmly to my chest.

"You don't even know me." I replied defiantly.

"I'm trying."

"There are so many other people in this school - you don't have to know me."

"But i want to." she said with a grin.

I walked out of the class confused. She never said what i thought she should. What was i supposed to say? I started to panic.

"Can i walk with you to anatomy?" I was too distracted to realize that she'd followed me out of the room.

"You're not in my anatomy class too, are you?!" Seriously, the world was conspiring against me, along with my rapidly beating heart. I tried to take a deep breath, but i couldn't fill my lungs.

"Didn't notice me at all this week, huh?" People stopped to look at us as we walked down the hall. I'm sure their universe was getting tipped upside down too, to witness Spence Carlin walking down the hall with another student, who was also a girl - the same girl she'd made a scene with in the hall yesterday. Let the gossip begin.

It didn't take long to reach the classroom due to my escaping pace. I stopped outside anatomy and turned to face her. She peered down at me in anticipation.

"I get that you're new, and i must seem intriguing to you. But i assure you, i'm not that interesting. You really don't need to get to know me. I get good grades. I'm decent at sports, and i keep myself busy. I like my privacy. I like my space, and i like being left alone. That's it. You can get to know everyone else in this school who's dying to know you. I'm not. Sorry."

She grinned.

"And stop looking at me like i'm entertaining you. I'm not amused, so leave me alone." I rushed into the classroom. I thought i would feel better, relieved - but i didn't. Instead, i felt defeated.

I had no idea where Ashley sat during anatomy, but it wasn't next to me. Actually, no one was sitting next to me. The seat where Karen Stewart usually sat at my table was empty. Karen was always lost during the lessons ans constantly asked me questions to try to keep up. Today, i finally had the silence i kept pushing everyone away to get, but it wasn't comforting.

By the time the bell rang at the end of the day, i was over it. Knowing i was staying over at Madison's and didn't have to return home helped - as did not seeing Ashley again.

"Hi!" Madison greeted me as we gathered our books from our lockers. "I feel like i haven't seen you at all today. How are you? You didn't get to tell me-"

"Don't mention it. Later, okay? I'm finally feeling better and just want to have fun tonight, alright?" i pleaded.

"Come on, Spence. Don't do this to me. I heard you and Ashley walked together to anatomy. You _have _to tell me what's going on."

I hesitated, not wanting to say anything where we could be overheard. I scanned the halls, stalling to make sure i wasn't going to add to the already circulating gossip.

"She keeps trying to talk to me." i explained to Madison. I thought this might be enough, but Madison shrugged her shoulders, waiting for me to continue.

"You were right yesterday. She told me she thinks i'm _interesting,_ whatever that means. Madison, she's in all of my classes, or at least it feels like it. I can't get away from her - she's always _right there._ I finally told her that i wasn't interesting and to leave me alone. That's what the walk to anatomy was about. I don't get this girl."

"Spence, she's interested in you. Why is that so bad?" Madison asked genuinely perplexed. I was surprised she didn't understand the problem.

"Madison, i can't have anyone interested in me. You're my only friend for a reason." Her eyes lowered, beginning to understand my dilemma.

"I can't go out. I don't go to the movies. Tonight will probably be the first and only party i'll ever go to. I don't want to have to lie. And if anyone ever got close enough to touch me..." I couldn't finish the sentence. The thought of being afraid of being touched because i might cringe in pain made me shudder.

I wished i didn't have to be so convincing, but until i said it, Madison hadn't put it together. For just a moment, she saw the world through my eyes, and her sorrowful expression made my chest tighten.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I should have realized. So, i guess you shouldn't talk to him."

"It's okay," I assured her with a tight smile. "I have six hundred seventy-two days left, and then _anyone_ can find me interesting."

She smiled back, but not as big as usual.

The pity in Madison's evasive eyes reflected the pathetic-ness of my life; it was hard to take. It was harder to escape - literally.

I couldn't remember a time when my life wasn't a disaster. I had images of a smiling child stored in shoe boxes, but my father was in most of those pictures. When he was taken away, i was left with a mother who didn't know how to be one. I did everything i could do to get by with as little parental interaction as possible. If i was perfect, then there wasn't anything to regret or distract her from the replacements she sorted through, who would never live up to my father.

I was still too much - a burden. I hoped my academic drive would help my aunt and uncle accept me as an addition to their family. Unfortunately, the reception never warmed beyond the frigid steps when i crossed their threshold four winters ago. Guilt opened the door that night, and i couldn't be perfect enough to earn their forgiveness for what they never wanted. So, i mastered evasion and over-achievement. Neither as deftly as i would have preferred, since Carol was right there to brand me with my lack of worth at every opportunity.


	4. Change

I own absolutely nothing. All credit goes to Rebecca Donovan and Tom Lynch. Enjoy!

* * *

**Nude as the news** - There are certain things about the book that i cannot change. Ashley is not a guy, i know that, but i can't change the fact that she plays soccer...and she cant be on the same team as Spencer.

**ItsMeCharlee** - Would you give up on a girl so easily? Ashley is not pathetic. She hasn't asked or begged Spencer to do anything. She's just talking to her...is that what you think stalking is? I think you need to watch a little Criminal Minds.

**Gina** - Thank you. You're right, she's not being mean, she just has a wall up. Ashley's just willing to try to get past it.

**Googoo4u** - Eh, the reviews don't bother me. And thank you :)

* * *

Madison was quiet when we drove away from school. I knew she was thinking and hoped that it had nothing to do with me. But of course it did.

"There's a way around it, you know."

I sighed, afraid to encourage this train of thought.

"You don't have to cut yourself off from everyone to get through high school," she continued. "We just have to anticipate the questions and have answers ready. There are so many people who would love to ask you out, but have no idea how to approach you. Spence, we can figure this out."

"Madison, you're not making any sense. Besides the obvious - i can't go out."

"What's the obvious?"

"Honestly, who do you know who's interested in me? Be specific."

"Ashley already told you she found you interesting," she said with a grin. "Let's start with her."

"Let's not," i groaned.

"Oh! Did you hear that Haley Spencer asked her to homecoming?" she exclaimed.

"Of course i didn't. You're my source of gossip, remember" Something in my chest twisted. "Isn't homecoming a month away? And she's a senior - what's that about?"

Madison examined me with narrowed eyes. "Honestly? It's only three weeks away. Anyway, i heard she turned her down. I told you the seniors were looking at her too. But Spence, she's into you."

"Madison, let's put this into perspective," i corrected. "I amuse her. She thinks i'm interesting. She didn't ask me on a date. She probably just thinks i'm a freak or something."

"Well you are," Madison said with a playful smile. "Who else can live with pure evil while still maintaining a four-point-oh, play three varsity sports, be in what seems like every club, and to top it all off, be scouted by four colleges. That is pretty freakish." Before i could respond, she continued. "Okay, lets just say we don't know her motives. She already knows you're a private person. It sounds like you've made that perfectly clear. Why cant you give her what she wants and just talk to her? She's either genuinely interested and will ask you out, and we'll deal with that when it happens. Or she ends up becoming a friend, which isn't a bad thing. You have nothing to lose. Come on, the worst thing that could happen is that she moves on and everything's back to the way it was before she got here."

She was so compelling. Besides, i thought, talking to her could get her to leave me alone, especially once she realized there's not much to know - which would be the best thing that could happen, not the worst.

"Fine, i'll talk to her. So what's the story? And i don't want to lie." I figured she already concocted something during her silence.

"No lying, sort of. You just leave most of it out, so it's omission." She said smugly, confirming my suspicion. "You tell her you were adopted by your aunt and uncle after your father died and your mother became ill. That's pretty accurate. You can tell her anything you want about Leyla and Jack, since that won't affect anything. Explain that your aunt and uncle are very busy with the kids, and that will hopefully be reason enough why they don't go to your games. She's definitely going to want to know why i'm your only friend and why you don't talk to anyone."

"She's already asked that," i admitted. "I didn't answer her."

"Well, tell her you and i became friends when you first moved here. That's true." She hesitated for a moment to think about the second part of the question. "Say that you're the first in your family to go to college - which is technically true - and that you have a lot of pressure on you to get a scholarship."

"That's not bad, but why don't i have more friends?" I challenged.

"How about, your aunt and uncle are very overprotective and have no idea how to raise a teenager, so they tend to be strict. Then you can admit that because you're so involved in school activities and sports, and with the early curfew, you don't get out much. That should work. Besides, that'll be like one conversation, and then you can talk about anything else. Almost all truthfully - you know, music, sports, college. You may have a hard time with pop culture, but i can bring you magazines so you can catch up during the rides to school if you want."

I laughed. "Why is this so important to you?"

"I don't know." She paused considering the answer. "These past two days, i've seen a fire in your eyes that i never have before. Granted, it's mostly anger and frustration, but it's still emotion. You keep everything locked up so tight - i'm afraid some day you're going to explode. This girls found a way to get to you unlike anyone else. You're different, and i like it. I don't like seeing you upset, but i like seeing you _feeling_ something. I know you put your guard down a little with me, but you refuse to show me the hard stuff. You never get angry or scared, or let me know when you're hurt. You don't want me to see you that way, but i know you have to feel it, especially with everything Carol puts you through. In the past two days, you've been angry, frustrated, and humiliated. I was actually relieved you didn't turn into dust or a mass murderer. So if it takes this girl to annoy you to let some of it out, then i want you to keep talking to her. Sound crazy?"

"It does actually" i said. She scowled, not pleased with my answer. "But i understand what you're saying."

After we pulled into her driveway, she shut off the car and turned to me in expectation.

"What if i like her? That would be horrible. You're the only one who knows my secrets, and i can't risk letting anyone else in right now. Not while im still living with them. It's too complicated." I took a deep breath before continuing. "But i'll try to talk to her." This caused a smile to spread on Madisons face.

"Besides, she'll probably continue to frustrate me, and i'll end up strangling her. If i murder her, you're my accomplice for encouraging it."

"Do you promise to tell me everything?" Madison asked, glowing.

"Of course!" i replied with a grin as i rolled my eyes. "If i don't tell you, then it's like it never happened. And besides, who's going to help me bury her body when i bludgeon her for patronizing me?"

She laughed and hugged me again. Feeling my body tense, she pulled back. "Sorry."

I followed Madison into her enormous house. Her family lived in a newer home compared to the historic colonials and Victorians in the center of town. The development used to be farmland at one point and was now broken up into expensive lots to showcase huge homes.

I could never get used to Madison's setup as we neared the top of the stairs. Madison was an only child, so she had a lot of room to herself in the three-story house - actually, she had the entire third floor. The bathroom was larger than my entire bedroom, with its granite double sinks, Jacuzzi tub and separate shower. To the right, the landing opened into a game room with cathedral ceilings and white walls accented by a hot pink racing stripe around the perimeter with black electric guitars mounted on it.

There was a plush white couch with a matching recliner and love seat in front of a home-theater system that included a giant flat-screen mounted to the wall on the far side of the room. It was hooked up to several gaming systems that were set on a console beneath it.

Behind the couch was a reading area with built-in bookshelves that extended to the ceiling, with a sliding ladder attached to reach the higher shelves. Oversize pillows lined the floor beneath the bookcases, creating the perfect place to get lost in the pages. In the corner, opposite the library, were air hockey and foosball tables.

Madison touched the screen of the built-in music dock on one of the walls, selecting an indie artist declaring what she expected from a guy. The rhythmic guitar strums filled the entire floor through the inset speakers in the ceiling. I followed Madison into her bedroom on the other side of the stairs.

"Are you ready to be pampered?" Madison asked, jumping onto one of her two queen-size beds, adorned with pink and orange pillows.

"Sure," i answered, hesitantly walking past the door that opened into her office, with its walls covered with pictures of friends, record covers and celebrities. The room was small, but still large enough to squeeze in a full-size black vinyl couch. I sat down on the identical bed next to Madison's.

"I have the perfect sweater for you to wear with the best pair of jeans," she declared, bouncing off the other side of the bed and entering her walk-in closet.

This room - i say room, not closet - was as large as my bedroom, with two long walls lined with shelves and bars storing folded and hung clothes. At the end of the closet were racks of shoes in every color and style. Visiting Madison was like taking a break from reality - everyone's reality.

"Madison, you're five-ten - there's no way i'm going to fit into your jeans," i argued.

"You're not that much shorter than me," she retorted.

"You have a good three inches on me. Besides, i brought a pair of jeans."

She paused, trying to decide if my jeans were acceptable.

"Okay. You can take a shower up here, and i'll use my parents' bathroom," she instructed, handing me a scoop-neck white shirt, paired with a light pink cashmere sweater with a square neckline.

"Two shirts?"

"Well, it's supposed to be cold tonight, and you can't wear a jacket that will hide the sweater, so...layers." she explained simply.

I raised my eyebrows and slowly nodded. It was obvious that she was loving this, and my lack of fashion savvy was not going to keep her from treating me like a life-size Barbie doll. I couldn't imagine what else she had in store, or maybe i didn't want to.

"Listen," she said, trying to put me at ease. "I know you never make a big deal over clothes or any of that, but it's because you can't, not because you don't want to. I know they don't let you shop, so let me do this for one night, okay?"

Of course she knew that i appreciated the latest trends, as we often flipped through the fashion magazines together during lunch. But i was only allowed to go shopping twice a year - at the beginning of the school year and again in the spring. I had to get the most out of my biannual clothing stipends and buy items that could easily mix and match, so it wasn't obvious when i rotated them every few weeks. This practicality didn't allow me to shop in the trendy stores in the mall or the boutiques in the city like most of my classmates. It meant going to the discount chains in the plazas. I never let it mean that much to me - it wasn't worth it.

However, to have access to Madison Duarte's wardrobe for one night would be any girls dream, so i wasn't about to refuse it. I knew she had clothes in that closet that still had tags on them. I took the tops, grabbed my tote, and headed to the bathoom. Madison ran out of her room before i closed the door.

"Oh, i have this lotion i bought last week that i think you'd like. I was going to save it for a Christmas gift, but you should use it tonight," she said, handing me a bottle of lotion with pink flowers drawn on the label.

"Thanks," i said, taking the bottle before i closed the door. It was great to take a long, hot shower without the fear of _The Knock_non the door, signaling the end of my allotted five minutes. It gave me time to think about the past couple of days and how different today felt. I was actually looking forward to the game, despite how awkward it was going to be. I thought if i could get through the game, then i would be able to get through the party. I shut off the water with a new conviction - how long it would last was another story.

I flipped the top of the bottle and took in the soft floral scent. After dressing, i opened the door to find Madison on the stairs, with a towel wrapped around her head. She wore a flattering light blue angora sweater. Madison had no problem with tops that hugged her modelesque body. Madison looked amazing, even with the towel on her head. Conversely, i tugged and pulled at the pink sweater that felt like a second layer of skin, despite the layer beneath.

"Oh. That sweater looks great. You should wear more clothes that fit you like that, instead of hiding your figure." I dismissed her with a shrug. She smiled before asking, "Are you ready for the next step?"

We were interrupted when her mom called up that the pizza was here.

"We'll eat and then finish getting ready," Madison decided, and turned to descend the stairs.

"I heard you scored three goals yesterday," Anna said from the refrigerator where she was pouring us glasses of diet soda. "Madison also told me about the scouts. You must be so excited, Spence."

"I am," i replied with a small smile. I was horrible at carrying on a conversation with my peers - forget about trying to say something worthwhile to an adult. The only adults i spoke to on a regular basis were my teachers, my coach, and my aunt and uncle. I only discuss my assignments with my teachers; coach was all about soccer - so that was easy. George hardly said a word, or maybe he couldn't get a word in over Carol's rambling about how difficult it was to be her. And of course the interactions i had with Carol were one-sided, usually reprimands about how useless and pathetic i was. So i didn't have a lot of practice. Anna recognized my conversational ineptitude, so she didn't push.

"Congratulations," she added, walking toward the stairs. She paused to tell Madison, "I'm going upstairs to change for dinner. Your dad and i are going out to eat with the Richardsons, and we've invited the Davies to come along, since they're new in town."

"Okay, mom," Madison said, only half-listening. My heart had stopped when Anna said their name.

"Your parents are going to dinner with Ashley's parents?" I whispered in disbelief.

Madison shrugged, "My parents have to know everyone in town. You know, they're like Weslyn's unofficial welcoming committee. My father is the ultimate politician."

Then she asked with a grin, "Do you want me to get some dirt on Ashley and her family for you?"

"Madison!" I exclaimed in shock. "Of course not. I'm really not that interested in her. I'm just going to talk to her so she'll leave me alone."

"Sure" she said with a knowing smile. I tried to ignore her and took a bite of a pizza slice.

"What's next?" i asked, needing to not talk about Ashley anymore.

"I was hoping you'd let me cut your hair," she said with a cautious smile. My hair was all one length, hanging past the middle of my back. There was no way i could get it cut every eight weeks or whatever was needed to maintain a style, so i kept it simple and trimmed it myself a few times a year. I usually wore it up out of my face in a clip or ponytail - again, simple.

"What do you want to do?"

"Nothing crazy," she assured me. "Just shorten it."

"Whatever you want to do is fine with me."

"Really?! This is going to be so great!" she exclaimed, practically jumping off the stool and dragging me back up the stairs.

She opened the middle drawer of her vanity, which displayed every shade of lipstick and nail polish on the market, and took out a comb and a pair of professional shears. She invited me to sit as she laid a towel on the floor to capture the clippings, and attached another around my shoulders. "No one's going to recognize you tonight."

That wouldn't be a bad thing.

Madison drew the comb through my hair and clipped portions of it up. I felt the weight begin to fall and decided it was best to keep my eyes shut and let her concentrate - or keep me from panicking as more hair hit the floor. Madison sang along with the music as she combed, clipped and cut. Before i knew it she was plugging in the hair dryer and running it over a round brush as she styled my hair.

"Keep your eyes closed," Madison instructed as she spread eye shadow along my lids with her cool fingers.

"Madison, please don't make me look ridiculous," i pleaded.

"I'm barely putting any on. I promise." The bristles of a brush streaked across my cheeks. "What do you think? Spence, open your eyes!" She demanded impatiently.

I peeked between my lashes to view the transformation. My dark brown hair gently rested on my shoulders, and layers of bangs softened my heart-shaped face. I found myself smiling.

"I like it," i admitted. She hadn't put much makeup on, to my relief - just a slight shimmer on my lids and a hint of pink on my cheeks, which wouldn't be needed if i were anywhere near Ashley.

"Here," Madison said handing me a tube of lip gloss and mascara. "I thought it would be easier if you put these on yourself. I'm going to get ready in the bathroom, i'll be right back."

While Madison was drying and styling her hair, i sat on one of the beds and flipped though the latest woman's magazine, full of articles on how to be more aggressive and the fastest way to lose ten pounds. When she glided back into the room, she was radiant, with loose curls of shiny red hair and just enough makeup to show off the blue eyes and pouty red lips. It deflated me a little.

"What's wrong?" Madison asked, reacting to my sunken shoulders.

"Are you sure you want me to go with you? I don't want it to be awkward for you having me tagging along when i know everyone will want to talk to you."

She scowled and threw a pillow at me. "Shut up. Of course i want you to go with me. Why should this be any different than any other day? If people talk to me, and i want to talk to them, i will. It's never bothered you before."

I looked at the floor, recognizing my nerves were getting the better of me - and it really had nothing to do with Madison's popularity. "You're right. Sorry, i'm just getting a little paranoid about going."

"We'll have fun, i promise." Madison's teeth sparkled between her shiny red lips. She went back into her closet and threw something out in my direction. "This white scarf goes perfectly with that sweater, and it will keep you warm, so you won't miss not having a jacket."

"Thanks." I grabbed the fuzzy scarf and wrapped it around my neck as i stood in front of the mirror. Madison was right - i did look different.

"This is going to be the best night," Madison reassured me when we got into her car to drive to the school. She was so excited she could barely contain her energy, which made me smile. I made an effort to let go of the anxiety that had been building. I could do this. I could be social. Okay, let's not go that far. I would not be completely pathetic - that sounded better. Who was i kidding?

* * *

Sorry about the wait. Enjoy!


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